Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.