I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children