Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

PLEASE READ

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS