I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.