I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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And bowling should be called pinball
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.