Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

As per my last nervous breakdown

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Travel bloggers during quarantine

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.