Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

I’ve had worse

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.