I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
You Might Also Like
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
what’s more important?
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
“Why you watching this shit?”
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.