Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

My dating profile:

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait