A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
You Might Also Like
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
#CoronaOutbreak
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”