I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”