Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.