I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?