I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Spa day..😅
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways