I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”