Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.