@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

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@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

@One_FineMess

My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.

@Kids_kubed

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

@ImAlexOliver

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.