Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

(Gaming support cat.)

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Taking phone security to the next level.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.