Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

S M O L

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it