Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger