Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams