Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?