I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon