I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Joseph Smith, 1833
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath