I should wash my van
We could use the rain
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
oh my god
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍