I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
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“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
We’ve all been there…
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law