Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

181.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.