Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

no!! no!!!!!!

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack