i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Optional boss fight.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two