i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Same post same
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.