Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

The real reason evolution started..😂

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture