Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I had to Stop for this

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for