Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

is this meant to deter me

Meow

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.