Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

🐶😂

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?