Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

hello pervert is such a strong opener

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Haha good job!!

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.