Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

I get distracted pretty eas

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.