Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.