Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

“Great, now I have to pee.”

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.