I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody