I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*