Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.