Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*