Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw

Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment

Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.