Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.