Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Yes, but it was never about money

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.