Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!