police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
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Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet