Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.