I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
But wait…
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine