Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!