I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You Might Also Like
Just grow your own
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.