I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
saw this in a dream
