I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003