I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Never let them know your next move 😂
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
They also CAN sing✌️