I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
🙁
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )