I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
lmao
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs