I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Google assistant rules
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
