Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

why neck hurt

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

I hope Alan is OK

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

That’s it.I’m out.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?