Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1468997781406851077/pu/vid/738x720/NW5oY3-OE9loxzpz.mp4?tag=12

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.