Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I’m giving up ice.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie