I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Monday?
No. Next question.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”