I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
This is a whole mood;
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
? 💀
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.