Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.