I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
School be like
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
This was a bad idea all around
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see