I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life