I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Milk Cube
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME