I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
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dam girl
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*