Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

they really do be looking like this

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.