i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
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Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!