I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
