I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
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People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
what’s really going on
Nothing to do, you say?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed