I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.