Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

If snakes were wide

Helping my daughter with her 3rd grade math homework has me doubting I ever passed 3rd grade math.

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.