Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

ready to be harvested

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately