Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Personal question. #JustSaying

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]