I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Did I do this right
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me